Broadsheet Trailer Park: Jupiter Ascending


Jupiter Ascending

What you may need to know:

1. Jupiter (Mila Kunis) is a mild-mannered janitor (just like Hong Kong Phooey) destined for greatness. When Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered hunter arrives on earth, Jupiter discovers that she is heir to an inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

2. Does anyone else find this whole “Wachowski siblings” thing ridiculous? Surely “The Wachowskis” covers everything?

3. After two diabolical Matrix sequels, Speed Racer (2008) and Cloud Atlas (2012), the Wachowskis have squandered more goodwill than M Night Shyamalan.

4. Poor Channing – looks like he’s playing with the double handicap of a ropey British accent and bad facial hair.

5. Jupiter Ascending was originally slated for release in July 2014 but Warner Bros pushed it back by seven months. Box office competition? Spongebob: Sponge out of Water.

6. Broadsheet Prognosis: Wachowskis Descending.

Release Date: February 6, 2015.

(DelBoy is away. Mark blogs about film, TV and other stuff at

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17 thoughts on “Broadsheet Trailer Park: Jupiter Ascending

    1. Nigel

      Speed Racer is an unappreciated gem, Cloud Atlas is an amazing, beautiful, lush, ambitious piece of film-making that I love, but which is seriously flawed – most notably by the awful prosthetics that changed the age/race/sex of the characters (not all were awful – some were seamless, but you don’t notice until you check the credits.) There were valid artistic reasons for doing it, but it ended up sadly undermining the film’s aesthetic and the viewer’s suspension of disbelief. Brilliant book, too.

      SO… I really want this film to be the one that clicks for the Wachowskis, because it looks likes it could be loads of fun.

  1. Paolo

    The plot of this looks AWESOME! Very original and with superb leads that have clearly been chosen for their acting pedigree.

    Can’t wait.

  2. singing detective

    They wrote V for Vendetta so they free pass for life from me anyway. This however, looks shit.

  3. Sidewinder

    Given that he’s from a different planet is it fair to say that his accent is a ropey British one? Maybe it’s just his Jupiterian dialect or whatever.

  4. Nigel

    I like the way the poster makes it look as if he’s about to fondly kiss the top of her head, only to discover she’s a cardboard cut-out, and now he’s wondering if he’s a cardboard cut-out, too.

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