From top: McDonad’s, Kylemore Road, Dublin 12: Dennis aka ‘Fluffybiscuits’

This afternoon.

Fluffybiscuits writes:

The curtains fall on one of the greatest shows that has lasted well over ten years. A rambunctious fest , an adventure in the halls of reporting.

Twelve years ago, I came across Broadsheet by pure accident, read, commented then faded into the background to read the pieces as they appeared.

I went to my favourite pub recently, the two barman I adored had left and the atmosphere had changed. The same is happening with friends as they get married and dynamics change. The internet now is the very same, but it’s a journey I’m grateful for.

Five years ago when I poured all my anger into a piece published on Broadsheet, it gave me a friendship that has endured to this day. A young woman (you owe me a fiver for saying that!) brought me for coffee to McDonald’s on the Kylemore Road and listened to the outpourings of what was then a broken man, who healed thanks to Bodger, John & Co.

Vanessa as you know her, meets up with me on a regular basis (I’m a devil for doing all sorts of last minute things!). I’m still single but a lot more comfortable in who I am and what I have become as a man.

Janet, Spaghetti Hoop and Clampers – I will miss ye dearly and Cian. SOQ made me smirk, I always wondered who he was!

I had an idea for a column but in one line. It revolved around an incident at a night out where I was seduced by some woman recently and gave it a go… was not for me but you don’t know these things till we try!

Community is what we had….

Wishing you all the best.

Den aka Fluffybiscuits.

Previoously: Fluffybiscuits on broadsheet

Basic Instincts mask and fetish store, Eustace Street, Temple Bar, Dublin 8

Warning.

Details of a personal nature to follow.

Fluffybiscuits writes:

Kink and fetish can be two terms that in frequent parlance become used interchangeably. What people forget is that these are two very distinct and separate terms that have a different meaning. Kink can be described as being something sexual that is outside sexual norms but it adds to the sexual dimension. On the other hand a fetish is a crucial act or object that is essential to become aroused.

I reached out to various people to ask about their fetishes and kinks, nothing extreme (by my measure in any case, however as is becoming the norm now the Broadsheet commentariat may see fit for us all to be sliding further and further into depravity in their thinking!). Responses were mixed, still they were asked why they had these kinks and fetishes.

A straight female friend responded excitedly with the following “I like it when men smell slightly sweaty” (a kink that is more common than you may think). One firm reason was attributed to this according to her…”pheromones”. Heavily rumoured but never factually proven, Napoleon sent a letter to his wife telling her “not to bathe as I will be home in three days”. A study from the University of Louisiana looked at sweat and how respondents viewed the opposite sex. In a study titled “The Effects of Sexual Orientation and Human Sweat Exposure on Men’s Perceptions of Sexual Attractiveness“, the discussion concluded, based on empirical evidence:

‘In contrast, heterosexual men rated female photographs significantly higher than male photographs when exposed to female sweat, regardless of the phase of the menstrual cycle. Therefore, it appears that heterosexual men remain attracted to women regardless of the stage of their menstrual cycle. This is consistent with the fact that men generally engage in sexual behavior at any time of the menstrual cycle, unlike many other mammals that restrict sexual behavior to times of ovulation.’

A gay male friend, middle aged, spoke of his need to be dominated. This stemmed from years of shyness. This was also expressed by a straight female friend who spoke about being in authority in a job but enjoyed the roles being reversed. Allowing someone to be in charge and giving them the reins of power. From a personal experience, these are commensurate with a lot of people who are in positions of authority, people like doctors, solicitors et al.

My own personal proclivities run towards the idea of role play. Employer – employee, strangers in a bar and doctor – patient are all roles I have played in the recent few years. All of us consenting adults.

It’s important to weed out the people who have deep rooted issues. For many it’s an exploration of a missing side they had, maybe giving a paternal role that as adults fills a deep rooted need missing from their psyche.

For those of you who are interested in knowing more about the kink and fetish scene in Ireland, check out Nimhneach. There is a strict dress code . Nights are held once a month and tend to be at the milder end of the spectrum ).

Maybe Broadsheeters below could tell us what their fetish or kinks are, is bondage your thing? Candle wax down the back? Food?

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

Open marriage.

Could it save your relationship?

Fluffybiscuits writes:

Author Dossie Easton in her book “The Ethical Slut – A Guide to Infinite Possibilities” opines

“One of the most valuable things we can learn from open sexual lifestyles is that our programming is changeable.”

Social mores are much more relaxed than they have ever been in Ireland. Where once a man married a woman for life and was contracted to such an arrangement, relationships come in different forms to the standards that once applied twenty or even ten years ago. The attitudes that constrained us are now faltering .

I spoke recently with a young couple I know and asked about their relationship. Both have been married for nearly 20 years and have two kids. Their modus operandi is each other is an emotional anchor bound to each other. Their emotional bond outweighs any physical attraction they experience.

As the wife had said to me:

“there has been once or twice in twenty years I might have questioned what we have after I met men, I come home every time though as I love my husband.”

A research paper from Dublin Business School (they do have a psychology department one would be surprised to know) looked at the topic. In a paper titled “A Qualitative Study of Individuals Engaged in Consensual Open or NonMonogamous Relationships” –

The study took a small sample and interviewed four participants in the study. It concluded:

” The current research highlights the importance of the discovery in which deeper understanding of oneself is achieved through the experiences of engaging in consensual non-monogamy.”

Open-marriages can provide the oxygen for marriages where one partner feels suffocated. Older couples can lose that spark in the marriage, snuffed out after 40 years of monogamy. A wife or a husband can seem like they are wearing the same clothes for decades, yet this does not speak to the emotional side and the love for each other.

As with the discussion above and the conclusion from the DBS study, these marriages, in which both consent to a non-monogamous relationship, do so through detailed discussion, boundary laying and a sense of attachment that runs more profound than some other relationships.

Worthy noting that open relationships are distinct from polyamory which I want to cover in another column sometime in the future. A distinction that is important is that polyamory is about multiple relationships, however open relationships are more about the sexual liaisons, letting people avoid being caught in flagrante delicto.

Open relationships were the standard bearer of relationships rather than the standard monogamous model we seek and value so highly today. Left with a wife at home, men in Sparta took a younger man for liaisons to encourage bonds between military units. Greece never really suffered from the same complex, judgemental prudish attitude that hangs about Irish society.

Commentators, I would be interested to know what your experiences are in reviving the spark that was lost physically in a marriage or a relationship. Did counselling bring matters to the fore? Were you engaged with people otherwise in liasons with the permission of your other half and found this made the relationship better or made it worse?

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

RollingNews

Anonymous gay dating app Fab Guys

Fluffybiscuits writes:

My previous piece on the encounter with a married man raised a lot of eyebrows and heckles of the commentariat here. I also mentioned: ” This sort of behaviour is prevalent “.

To prove my actions represent the minor moral infractions that a person could be accused off, I picked one website weaved into the fabric of the gay community you never get the salubrious side of: Fab Guys.

Fab Guys presents itself as  ‘fun, free and fabulous for gay guys’. Free and fabulous it is, fun…that’s a whole other ball game, Fab Guys is a site with a demographic hugely popular with both cross-dressers and married men, yet presents the more salacious side of the gay scene, one that encompasses all that is nasty about it.

The site had up until recently a major issue with men swapping their wives’ used underwear (you read that correctly). Furthermore there exists a problem with men swapping photos of their wives and in some cases daughters. Thankfully the site is clamping down on it now but it cant remain ever vigilant on the matter as it is moderated by people who give up their time voluntarily.

Routinely however, the site has tended to get more married men out there seeking their end. The site holds a particular pride of place for those on the look-out for cross dressers, nowt wrong with that in itself, however a cross swathe (maybe more) of those seeking to engage with cross dressers are themselves married.

Madison (a shortened version of her name) posts with the following in the forum

” I love to dress up and be the slutty girl madison I am I love to be used and abused by young or old guys and other crossdresser”

Responses to these are by and large from the married men who inhabit the site. The site seems to have an unsteady rivalry with Mumsnet. A cursory search though that site reveals a hell of a lot of complaints about the Fab Guys. The story repeats itself all too often with the same husband who has become secretive about his activity:

” There arent any suspicious text messages but his internet history has really made me feel shocked sick to my stomach. He has been visiting what are two gay websites. One called fabguys ” Mumsnet

” Just that really – I feel sick… I’ve just gone on the computer and his email was open, he has received a message from a site called fabguys. I’m at home today and picking our daughter up soon, he will be home at 5.30. I don’t know what to do.” – Mumsnet

” I had a quick peek at OH phone the other day and found fabguys on there.

“I asked him about it and he completely denied it. Saying I’m paranoid.” – Mumsnet

There is not much left to process, you would think, the level of inanity could not sink any lower don’t hold your breath on that. Meet the Barebackers. They are the men (a lot of whom are not on PreP – the drug that reduces the risk of transmission of HIV) , who will happily engage in the practice of unprotected sex and most of it unbeknownst to the wives. Tackling the men on this issue brings with it a cacaphony of condemnation, I am seen as prudish. I did try to message a few married guys to get their sides of the story but was quickly blocked.

Some readers wondered last week if perhaps my moral compass had gone awry. Be rest assured, there are those out there when compared to me have zero moral compass.

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

Last week: Wey Bi Man

Alnwick, Northumberland, England

He’s back.

On tour!

Fluffybiscuits writes:

I’ve not sought a relationship with anyone but meself in the past year. As mentioned before here on Broadsheet, you can’t swing a cat on the gay scene for fear of hitting a married ‘straight’ man seeking a hook-up. Totality of all these experiences has lead me to form an opinion that most men, call it biological programming, are bi curious at minimum; insatiably lustful at max.

Three weeks ago, I trotted over to Alnwick, a  small market town North of Newcastle in England. Linear streets floating with paved cobbled streets. A sight seeing weekend. Quietly, I sought out a little pub to have a couple of pints and read. The pub had a lovely barwoman from the Isle of Skye. In our conversation, she recommended this pub up a side street, a local’s local. Intrigue took me to it. A million and one conversations with the locals followed. Come closing time, I made two new friends, A and B. A is friendly and we chat, but what came to pass with B brought home the matter with which I raise.

Myself and my new compatriots hit the local club, imbibed on any number of Jager bombs. 4am creeps upon us. A announces his departure. Chubby and stocky B is left with me. Those of you in the real world who know me, I’ve a penchant for all men chubby and stocky. B invites me back to his house for a beer to which I duly oblige.

Spotify playlists blaring. His wife storms down the stairs, arguments ensuing raised voices. Off to bed in a strop, she storms off. I offer to head home but B asks me to stay. We sit on the sofa and B asks me if I’m ‘openly gay’. He then leans in and kisses me, a warm tongue…you know the rest. 6am, I wake up and I’m asleep on his lap, his arm around me stroking my beard, knowing full well between us our deed done unbeknownst to anyone but us.

Hungover I go to leave, B asks me to hang around and meet the family. Awkwardly making my excuses, I go back to sleep off the night’s enjoyment . B says his wife doesn’t ‘know’ and he has never done anything ‘gay’ before.

These experiences are all too common. All self-described straight men. Excuses proffered varying from no love life at home to a wanton need to experiment. For many, here and abroad, life is passing them ‘bi’.

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

Pic via Wikipedia

This morning.

In the latest dispatch from his often calamitous journey to find meaningful love in lockdown, hopeless romantic FluffyBiscuits writes:

The undertaker was a handsome devil, charming and flattering. After two cancellations and with me having a three strike rule he sauntered up for a coffee Sunday two weeks ago.

Nothing out of the ordinary except after four hours he is full on charm offensive. He bleats at me, “Im falling for you, I could fall for you,” interspersed with other random musings. At this point I picked a point on the wall and stared, a tactic I picked up from The General after reading his biography. Stare at one spot and say nothing.

The light faded and Mr Undertaker made his way home. That week he appeared to have gone to ground (see what I did there!) ,but he continued with the flattery, cancelling again on the Saturday following so I told him to take a hike. The next day he rings, apologises profusely and tries to flatter again. His job is all last minute. Anyways he ends it by saying: ‘Text you and we can chat about meeting up’.

Already being on edge with lockdown and not letting my guard down, I mentioned the situation to friends and this is where I learned about love bombing. A term that a person floods you with so much affection and then tries to withdraw it so you crave more. A form of control.

Little things this fella had mentioned clicked into place “I don’t like your beard”..” those clothes don’t suit you”…I had told him to sod off on those occasions but what if I had not been independent minded? My mental health had already taken a battering with lockdown pushing me to seek out a counselorand think my judgement had been impaired. Friends though through conversation spotted what I had mentioned,the chap was a control freak.

Last night I was chatting to a pal when my phone buzzed. This gobsh*te didn’t like my new profile photo and then an hour later when I didn’t respond tells me “Will take that’s it . No problem happy to do so . Enjoy life”…I just wrote “good luck”. Guys like this want you to fawn over them. Love Bomb, defused and sent packing!

Previously: ‘I’m Calling About The Car’

Gay men married to women in 21st century Ireland ‘exist more than we will ever know’, according to Fluffybiscuits.

Fluffybiscuits writes:

My phone rings at home on a Tuesday evening more miserable than the previous evening, surprising the weather given it is August. At the end of the line is a nervous voice that asks me “Say, ‘you are calling about the car'”.

Attempting to remember, I cop it, this is a a call on foot of a personal ad I posted looking to meet a lad for coffee and a chat and perhaps more than Friendship.

Hushing his voice down a notch, he quietly tells me “the wife is in the other room, would you be up for a bit of fun”. Straight away I have to play along as he follows up with “yeah so will I call over about the car” expecting me to go along with the ruse.

I hung up – cardinal rule, don’t mess around with other relationships, do not be a home wrecker. Lads like these are ten a penny, you couldn’t swing a large fat overweight cat for fear of striking one of these ubiquitous types.

The demographic tends to be men who are 40+ and just as being gay became acceptable/fashionable at the start of the century, there was still too much of an unwelcoming atmosphere for a lot of them.

Men at that time were feeling compelled to enter into a straight relationship with women, have children, dote on them, provide for said family. Weekends certainly came and go and these men would drop up to the park to satiate a lust for the same sex that straight marriage did not provide. These trysts 99% of the time never really became anything more than a casual hook up.

This post came about via a conversation with a man from a particular website and curiosity more than ever prompted me to ask him about his life and what his story was. Let’s call him D.

D got married at a young age going on to have three kids and said love making with his wife was extraordinary but he knew at the back of his mind that he was gay from a young age , engaging in trysts however the wife will never find out as he has too much to lose.

Growing up he suffered abuse at the hands of a family friend so love and sex perhaps became intertwined in ways that deviated from standard norms. Messages came from D either late at night well after midnight or very early in the morning, always a tell tale sign that they are trying to attempt to not let the wives find out their minor indiscretions.

TV presenter Philip Schofield came out at a time when it was reported that there was a potential kiss and tell story coming in that Sunday’s papers. The sympathy was certainly pouring out at how brave he was at coming out but there appeared to be little sympathy for his wife at the time.

I parked this article as I was writing it as I needed to run a few errands and popped back home last night to settle down with a bit of TV and a take away, standard midweek fare. Unsurprisingly my phone rang again and this time was a chap we will call B from down the country.

Married for 14 years and living in a small rural town it was fairly easy to read between the lines. B was engaged and was due to get married to the love of his life who he had been with for a few years.

Bluntly and directly I asked him was he gay, the poor lad stuttered: “No, I just like sex with men”

‘Sex with men’ was a term brought into common parlance for such men, something coined to avoid demeaning their masculinity if you were to ask me.

Every time a lad like this rings me he usually blocks his number. B then asked “you are not going to out me are you”…heavily I reassured him no as that was not what I was about but said firmly married men are not my cup of tea.

Unfortunately I have the bad habit of trying to be their friend when at the end of the day and attempting to urge them not to get married and giving numbers for helplines so they avoid future unhappiness.

Then there is the man who I met for a coffee after he insisting in calling into my place. We agreed to go to the Spar up the road from me and once we sat down he told me about his wife. He left her September last year for a man he met down the Phoenix Park, a young chap that made him realise he was truly batting for my side and took it upon himself to move into the chap’s bedsit.

Asking after the welfare of the wife and kids, he shuts me down (and perhaps rightly so, I’m nosey) he tells me that he no longer talks to them but that he is happy now, grabs his coffee gleefuly informing me of heading down the park that evening.

Ask any gay man who is out and on the prowl or on the pull and they will tell you that they have different and varying ideas on their approach to married men.

One friend of mine avoids them at all costs, scoldin’ them for their infidelity, pouring scorn on their cheating ways. Many though will accept that they are homme fatales, liaisons should go ahead because if it’s not them getting the married man then it’s going to be someone else thus they may as well enable the behaviour.

There is no right or wrong answer in any of this. Just men finding their feet among many different realities they cannot accept.’

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

Pic; Allstock