According to intelligence sources, the CIA started to plan the dropping of a 400-pound Steinway on Castro’s remains the moment the agency was made aware of the Cuban leader’s passing.
Agents devised a system where they would tie a piano to a helicopter and fly it above the funeral processional, but in a mortifying turn of events, the rope was reportedly cut too early, and the piano fell out of the sky and landed harmlessly 50 yards ahead of the march…
The Onion’s ClickHole spin-off has long since outdone its mothership in terms of laughs/relevance, and they’ve done it again this morning.
“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.”
Johannesburg — Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered humanitarian has become the first politician in recorded history to actually be missed. “Today we lost not only an international hero and a symbol of the resilient human spirit, but also the very first political figure ever who people actively wish was still alive and affecting world affairs,” said political historian Wallace M. Delaney of Columbia University.
Christ almighty, spiders were designed to disgust and terrorize the other living creatures on this planet with those spindly f**king legs…ah f**k that’s the worst! Spiders are the f**king f**king worst.
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