Choose early rising,
Choose welfare despising,
Choose busting your hump,
For a decreasing lump,
Choose rent over food,
Choose ‘not in the mood’,
Choose scared to get sick,
‘Cause the boss is a prick,
Choose ‘it’s the position redundant’,
When they lay off your soul,
Early risers in Clerys,
What a kick in the hole,
Choose loyalty to master,
He’ll fire you faster,
Choose loans for students,
So fiscally prudent,
To keep them in hoc,
Servants to bankers,
Slaves to the clock,
Choose fleeing this kip,
On a one way trip,
Like millions before you,
This country abhors you,
Choose lying in piss,
On trolley or list,
Your gaff they will steal,
And call it Fair Deal,
Choose knowing but lying,
Early mornings don’t matter,
Your toil kills you quicker,
To make the 1% fatter.

Martin McMahon

Martin blogs at Ramshorne Republic.

Pic: Louise McSharry

From top: Two cows; Tony Groves

Irish Socialism: You have 2 cows. They don’t get along. They each claim their milk is the best in the country. But neither of them has ever produced any milk.

Irish Capitalism:
You have 2 cows. You eat both. You ask the EU to lend you 2 more cows. You again eat both. The EU calls you to ask why you’ve not fulfilled your milk quota. You stall them and ask the IMF for 2 more cows. Once again you eat both. The EU and the IMF then come to Dublin looking for their milk. You’re out shopping at a Bulgarian Property Expo.

Irish Libertarianism: You have 2 cows. You demand that everyone else be issued with 2 cows. But only after you’ve sold 1 cow, bought a bull, increased your herd and gotten a government contract to supply cows.

Fine Gael:
You have 2 cows. You sell 1 cow and force the other cow to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later, you commission an inquiry into the cow’s death.

Fianna Fáil
: You have 2 cows. You kill them. You get 2 more cows and promise this time it will be better. You kill them, again.

Sinn Féin: You have 2 cows. You’d like to grow your herd, but nobody will sell you a bull.

The Social Democrats:
You have 2 cows. You used to have 3.

The Labour Party: You have 2 cows. You gave them to Fine Gael in 2011. 5 years later you asked for them back. They don’t respond to your request. You ask the public for 2 new cows. They don’t respond to your request.

AAA/PBP: You have 2 cows. You give them to the party and then demand the government give you 2 more.

The Green Party:
You have 2 cows. You love them.

Leoliberalism: You have 2 cows. They are very attractive but their milk is conservative and bland.

Simon Coveney: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to Greencore. You then execute a debt for equity swap, ensuring you the rights to 4 cows.
You then sell the milking rights of 5 cows via an intermediary to a Holding Company based in Luxembourg, who then issue you a deed for 6 cows.
Your annual report says you own 7 cows, with the option of 2 more.
Meanwhile, your 2 cows are living in emergency accommodation.

Gerry Adams: You have 2 cows. No one buys your milk. But that’s not the substantive issue…

Catherine Murphy: You have 2 cows. If it wasn’t for Dáil privilege no one would have known how they’d been treated.

Brendan Howlin: You have 2 cows. You decreased their feed and demand they produce more milk. One dies and the other emigrates and is forced to work as horse. You blame Socialism.

Paul Murphy: You have 2 cows. You organise a sit down protest, block all the roads and demand you get 3 cows over a megaphone.

Micheal Martin:
You have 2 cows. You eat 1 and milk the other. You then throw the milk away, because Paul Murphy got elected on a promise to be lactose intolerant.

Enda Kenny:
You have 2 cows. 42 years later you discover 1 of them is a donkey.

Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. With over 18 years experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics, history and “being ornery”, he has published one book and writes regularly at Trickstersworld

Top pic: Joe Fox via Saatchi Gallery