Author Archives: Admin

Delicious cake for us?

No.

You really shouldn’t have, scamps.

They didn’t..

Thanks to whoever made it!

It’s a stock photo..

Because we forgot to celebrate our ninth birthday yesterday!

Nine years.

Happy birthday to all our readers, commenters, contributors, ‘staff’- especially Olga – and even (wags right index finger) them troll-y fellas.

As we always say: This time next year, Rodney.

And have a little cry.

Never mind the bollocks.

It’s Fluffybiscuits.

Celebrating a special anniversary.

Warning: Sweary language and intimate situations.

Fluffy writes:

It’s roughly 15 years ago this month I had cock/ball cancer. Me nut swelled to a golf ball size. Doc asked ,”you sexually active?” Nope says I.. . So he says it’s either” mumps or cancer “, I got my MMR and knew it was cancer. You think the whole world is fucked.

I Informed my parents and mates. On the waiting list. Few days later I get the call, a bed was available. That Sunday felt like the longest journey ever. The doc said it will be operated on, like bringing up a conker on a bit of string.

The doc administering the anesthetic was Ukrainian. I waffled about Andriy Shevchenko and a bunch of football teams from Championship Manager and called him a ladypart as my eyes rolled back in my head. I woke up from the operation finding it had been done.

What followed was aside from all the serious stuff (I was informed it was an aggressive cancer and 80% chance of returning as it was lying against a vein) was an hilarious few weeks. Obviously I thought I was going to die. Who doesn’t?

My Da brought in Padre Pio’s glove to bless my bollix. I looked at the old bastard and said “what the fuck do I do with this”, so I blessed my cock n ball. Remember at this stage I’m atheist since I’m 12!It didn’t help the doctor was a huge bear called Ray who got me hard as nails.

Weeks and weeks of tests and it didn’t come back. I do remember a poor Malay intern who used to check my testicle (it was leftie who got removed as I was a right bollix).

I was on the examination couch with my nuts on display. She felt them between her fingers and it was ticklish. I laughed and she laughed. She started crying laughing and so did I and fell flat on my face with my trousers around my ankles tears pouting down my face laughing.

The cancer never came back but I got a pass in life. You search your soul thinking you will die of a horrible disease. I came out of it more atheist. My humour was twisted to the darkest depths that I can only but laugh at tragedy.

The other night I shaved me pubes and saw the scar. Cancer you did me wonders.. Thanks.

Previously: Cheating Cheaters Cheat Us All Part 2

Pic: Shutterstock

 

Lauren Adams on her pony Ravara Mohawkand and Annie Boland on her pony Sasha at the launch of the 2019 Longines FEI Jumping Nations Cup™ Stena Line Dublin Horse Show

The votes are in.

Last week, with THREE free pairs of tickets the Longines FEI Jumping Nations Cup™ Stena Line Dublin Horse Show on August  7-11 on offer, we asked you for your first memories of the horse show at the RDS, Ballsbride, Dublin 4.

You answered in your tens .

But there could only three winners (plus a bonus prize)

They were

Keith O’Sullivan “A few years ago I went with my wife (who is a horsey person) for the first time, my first memory of the place was thinking why the fupp didn’t I leave my wallet at home…”

Millie St Murderlark: “ I’ve never been lucky enough to attend a horse show but my daughter is absolutely horse mad and has been begging for horse riding lessons (which I will never be able to afford) along with a horse or unicorn of her own. I fear she’s setting herself up for disappointment.”.

Stepehen F:  “My mother going with her sisters and mother (my grandmother), would come home sunburnt, smelling of saddle wax and if Ireland won the Aga Khan full of gin and tonic. It used to mark the peak of summer when I was young, downhill to September and the return to school. She hasn’t gone in the past few years since my grandmother passed away, so putting forward a sob story to try and get her a couple of tickets to send her off with a sister or two and hope to have her retun full of gin and tonic after an Ireland win.”

Bonus Prize:

Janet, I Ate My Avatar: “My first memory of the horse show was begging a friend’s family to bring me, I’d been mucking out in exchange for the odd lesson, before that it was the Mrs McCann’s poney and no saddle and the mad dash up the street hanging on for dear life, I was horse mad, horse poster wallpaper, my own imaginary horse, I got to go, we won a back stage pass, I met my horse heros, they were the princes of horses, my wildest dreams, every jump I was on the back in my mind too, I flew, I’d love to go back and share it now with another horse mad wee girl.”

Thanks all.

Last week: Be A Stable Genius

Longines FEI Jumping Nations Cup™ Stena Line Dublin Horse Show