When you’re halfway through February say
“Happy St Valentine’s Day”
Then pay through the nose
For a tatty old rose
As you try to get your end away

John Moynes

Restaurateur Philippe Weiner (above) says EU must have been referring to his place when warning diplomats to avoid a Brussels restaurant

If you’re in Brussels late and you feel
Like finishing work with a meal
The prices are high
And the waiter’s a spy
And all that you say he’ll reveal

John Moynes

Pic via The Guardian

In Yorkshire there was once was a nun
Who decided to go on the run
So brave Sister Joan
Struck out on her own
To live free, have sex and have fun

John Moynes

Getty

Former UK Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has called for a multi-billion-pound cut in the UK’s overseas aid budget

The Tories are casting some shade
At foreign development aid
For when Brexit kicks in
Their reserves will be thin
They’ll have less cash than if they had stayed

John Moynes

Pic: RAF/flickr

You may have heard that you’ll be fine
If you drink your beer first then your wine
But one too many cup
And you’ll be throwing up
Is what I hear through the grapevine

John Moynes

Pic: Shutterstock

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, 40, discovers he has the metabolism of a 53-year-old during ‘Operation Transformation’ last night on RTÉ 1

One thing that I don’t like to see
Is a Taoiseach whose younger than me
But now I’m quite glad
Leo’s health is so bad
The computer says he’s fifty three.

John Moynes

Smoking cannabis occasionally may improve men’s fertility by stimulating sperm production, a study by Harvard University suggests.

When a young couple sit down to plan
How they’ll go about starting a clan
It may be that weed
Is just what they need
To increase the sperm cells’ lifespan

John Moynes

Pic: Allstock

Bales of cocaine with a ‘street value’ of €800 million was seized in the Atlantic by an EU force led by a former Garda

For gangsters it’s never a joke
When they have a whole boat load of coke
Piled up by the tonne
But the cops spoil their fun
And send the whole thing up in smoke

John Moynes

Pic: Express das Ilhas

The day after knocking back drink
A quarter of workers will think
That they don’t give a toss
So they’ll email their boss
And say they don’t feel in the pink

John Moynes

Pic: Allstock

Bishops have asked mass-goers to ‘co-operate’ with drink-driving checkpoints near churches

A chap who they say was divine
Was known to turn water to wine
But going to mass
Won’t get you a pass
From penalty points or a fine

John Moynes

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