Christian Ronaldo was booked by an otherwise friendly ref Matel Jug for taking his shirt off against Ireland on Wednesday night

Shay Connolly writes:

Ah, we wuz robbed, me thinks by the Slovenian referee, Matel Jug. Before I go any further did you know that the first block in the EU was formed last year. It consists of three countries who have amalgated to share the Presidency of the EU. They are Germany, Portugal and Slovenia. You see where I’m going here?

Wednesday’s match was Ireland V Ronaldo. Portugal didn’t come into the equation at all. This man obviously commands some respect with officials. Can’t remember the last time I saw a yellow card being dished out to a player and the referee with a grin as long as a mile in the process.

He had it in his hand after Ronaldo stripped off his Ronaldo shirt to show his rib cages and that’s not allowed. Some jealous buggers in that Fifa governing body. As the Punchy Jug walked over to him with the yellow card in his hand and smiling like a Cheshire cat he put it back down again because Christ hadn’t finished celebrating yet,so he sort of joined in on the party, walking alongside him with the hand down by his side shielding the yellow card from Christy pupils just in case it might mar the festivities.

Still smiling, and with a tiny bit of froth emanating from his lips, his eyes began to bulge like Marty Feldman as he waited until the Christ of Ronaldo put his shirt back on. Then, almost apologetically he issued the yellow card to him. At one stage I thought he was going to ask Christy to sign it for him. The next act of the referee was to blow the final whistle.

Seven lousy minutes earlier, we were without doubt heading for the best ever result in a qualifying match. We were organised so well at the back that Git had been taking breaks and throwing shapes for most of the game.

In the penalty incident the ref was so sure for it that he wasn’t so sure at all. The VAR fellow must have come in on his earphone: ‘Matel, I think ze better check again’. As he went over to the gold-plated tele on the sideline he spent 90 seconds making up his mind. One wonders did Christy enter his head during those 90 seconds and that the world record was hanging on his decision, and his decision alone. Anyways he seemed to be sure again and pointed to the spot.

Twenty years into the future in some Kazakhstanian pub quiz, a quiz master might ask, just might: “What referee awarded the penalty for Ronaldo to break the world record?”.  Fame is a terrible thing at times.

Before Christy steps up to break the world record and those inevitable debates after penalties are awarded are still going on, Dara O’Shea flicks the ball away from his spot and Christy, being Christy, pushes him on the shoulder. Our guy acts the Aidan O’Shea and hits the ground like a sack of spuds, holding his face.

In the game I played most of my life, for some strange reason to go down was an act of cowardice. You were supposed to keep standing even after getting a belt on the head with a hard lump of Ash that had a band clipped to it with eight nails. Talk about the crucifixion. You could be walking around on the pitch with two robbers beside you and with blood streaming from your head. but you dare not go down The shame would be just to hard to handle. I don’t think any of the present Mayo footballers would have survived my day.

In this buggers from Fifa game. a raised hand to your opponent says a red card, according to the rules, but nah I couldn’t accept that, given my background. But one suspects that Christy could have head butted him and Juggy Punch would have ignored it.

So Christy stepped up to take it, but that Kakastanian pub quiz will have to be cancelled as our young 19 year old, former Shamrock Rovers hero, Gavin Bazuno saved it. There is a pause. The ref is checking that our hero may have moved before the kick was taken. I think the Varsman told him to go and get Christy to change loaves into fishes as it was easier to do than to award another penalty.

We go in at half time incredibly 1-0 ahead after the son of a man I cursed constantly for putting goals in the Dublin net has put the ball in Ronaldo’s net. From a corner, John Junior Egan let the ball slide in off his his new extra shiny shampooed hair and in it glides into the far corner. Christy’s not happy.

Five minutes extra time and as Ronaldo Utd are attacking he is just playing the last piece of play. Oh no he’s not, he let’s them set up another attack and yet another one after that, but as the Irish break out towards the half way line he blows for half time this time. Where did Juggy Punch get those extra 70 seconds from? Jeez a man could expire in those 70 seconds.

Second half starts and Christy is more out on the wing now. He does a few of his well known dribbles but if Vasco de Gamma was making as little progress as Christy, he might have jacked in the ould exploring job and became a house painter.

Christy was getting hot tempered now, and that famous right hand that he waves at the referee like he his shuttling wasps away from his beautiful face is used umpteen times. He is arguing with Seamus Coleman, but there’s no pointing in arguing with our Seamus while he has the teeth braces in.

We are doing well on the break and as my cousin Aaron Connolly is about to pull the trigger after a terrific knock down by Egan one of Ronaldo’s friends bulldozes him in the back as he is shooting and the ball goes narrowly wide.

Was it a penalty for Ireland? Yes in my opinion but I thought my Cuz should have scored it anyway. He is only back from injury and he was a yard short from previous fitness levels. Anyway Var should have looked into but no, says Juggy Punch.

We are two minutes from full time and glory when James McLean falls for the old pretend to cross trick and James committed fully to block it. But Ronaldo’s friend killed the ball and with James left leg firmly stuck to the ground the cross came in easily and Christy buried it with a header. Ah to Calvary with all that!

And they are attacking again and win a corner but the ball is cleared out over the sideline. But the Almighty Christy says to the ref that there was a foul in the box and low and behold the Juggy Punch goes to Var to check, because Christy said so. No such thing happened in the box and play is ordered on. Another five minutes extra time. We are holding out and its’ 20 seconds past the five minutes when Hendricks breaks up the attack and clears his lines. At least a draw is a good result. Oh no he’s letting them go again.I thought five minutes meant five minutes.

And as we all now know that Christy got his head to the final cross and scored again. Juggy Punch seemed happy about it all as he went to get the get the autograph of Saint Christy.

The last time we wuz robbed we got €5 million in compensation. If only we had Seán Óg Delaney still around he’d be sure to strengthen his bank account further and who knows but we could get another interest free loan from him.

For all the Irish contingent of Man U supporters who had social media plastered during the week as if Christ himself was returning to Earth, just how did you feel in those last seven lousy minutes. Did you go ‘ah fluck that’ like the rest of us, or was your patriotism wavering?. Is such your admiration for this head Christian on Earth that you were secretly happy inside? How did you manage the conflicting contentment in your heart while pretending to be enraged?

For what died the sons of Roisin, I say. Was it Christy Ronaldo?

To all those calling for Stephen Kenny’s head before this match because they still suffer from Stockholm syndrome and believe our former, and in some parts present, Colonial rulers should be ruling our Soccer team, how are you guys today?

For what died the sons of Roisin, I say. Was it the Premier League?

In the end, Ronaldo Utd swayed the day but there is no taking away from his natural ability to play football.. His hanging in the air act is almost as miraculous as if, indeed he was J.C. himself and his social justice deeds off the pitch have to be admired.

The decisions by the Jug of Punch cost us dearly as the entire Irish contingent couldn’t master Christy’s influence on him. Now as we seem to have our defensive system sorted can we do the other very important issue. and that is put the ball in the net. Saturday will tell a lot against Azarby something. As for Wednesday, the only recourse we have now is to get on to the Doh Juffy show and wash our hands of it.

Shay Connolly is a writer/songwriter, a Ringsend resident and a former Dublin Minor Hurler.

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