You may recall yesterday’s competition wherein we invited readers to submit wickedly inventive or otherwise entertaining definitions of words of their choice, egged on by the prospect of a free copy of The Devil’s Dictionary (1906) by Ambrose Bierce – a new version of which has just been released by the nice people at Roads Publishing.
You literally answered in your 47s.
The lucky Dr Johnsons are as follows.
Denizen: n. a person claiming citizenship of several countries simultaneously. (bisted)
Topaz (n) Gemstone once believed to have the power to shrink male genitalia (caroline)
TD: Former Irish educator who found they could neither do nor teach. (Mysteron)
Be grand: the idea that it will all turn out well at the end of the day; a sort of nervous, hopeful and yet cavalier attitude adopted by the Irish nation, often to their own detriment.eg. “Oh no Fintan your face is on fire! Shall I fetch a glass of water?”
“Will you get away out of that Gobnáit! I’ll just stick my head in this bucket of gick, be grand!” (meadowlark)
Arsessist (n): One who aggressively and relentlessly threatens litigation to defend a supposed reputation, recognised and revered by no-one but himself, making a complete arse of himself in the process. (Chucky R. Law)
Zylophone: n Incorrect spelling of Xylophone (Brian)
Roads has five shiny copies of the excellent 1906 satirical wordbook to give away to the Broadsheet reader who can come up with the wittiest and most devilish dictionary entry for a word of their own choosing. To wit:
Hi Broadsheet people. We’re teaming up with The Reel cinema in Blackpool, Cork to give readers an opportunity to get their very own private screening of Fifty Shades Of Grey for themselves and ten friends. Female readers are being asked to get hold of their own Mr.Grey, and record him reciting one of Christian Grey’s famous lines.
(a) Laters, Baby (b) I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living sh*t out of you. (c) I do believe you’re making my palm twitch
With TWO €50 vouchers to spend at your ‘leisure’ on garments like the ones above [available here (women’s) and here (men’s)] at any branch of Life Style Sports on offer we asked:
What was your most memorable gym experience?
You answered in your dozens.
Warning: contains sharting
Anomanomanom: “My most unpleasant gym experience was I’m the locker room, I picked my towel and dried my face, then only realised I’d picked the towel up of the guy next to me who no more than 30 seconds ago was drying his nether regions. It was most unpleasant.”
Emma: “My most unpleasant gym experience involved 60 minutes on the cross trainer in grey tracksuit bottoms.Boring, soul destroying and left me with a not so discreet sweat patch around my nether regions, and a red face that was a combination of embarrassment and being completely unfit!”
Skeptik: “Personally witnessing the reason Ben Dunne withdrew the hairdryers in the changing room, men drying their undercarriage with them. Flapping like the jowls of Bassett Hounds in a gale, they were…”
Seany_delight: “The kill chord (rope that stops the machine dead) on the thread mill getting caught on a pair of shorts, and running full speed into the control panelly bit. Managed to hit my knackers so hard I had to leave the gym. The worst part was it was during my assessment and I must now make eye contact with the instructor who could barely hold in his laughter every time I go back…”
Becca:“My most unpleasant gym experience involved getting a present of 6 personal trainer sessions for Christmas a few years back. We were doing a core session, I was told to lie on my back and pass a gym ball from my feet to my hands, and needless to say the excesses of the Christmas period caught up on me and a little bit of flatulence popped out. I pretended it didn’t happen, she never said anything, but Rudolph would have been envious of how red my face went.”
Sidewinder:“Silently competing with the only other person using the rowing machines, about four machines down, absolutely killing myself trying to keep pace and stay on longer than him. Finally giving up and moving to the treadmill and noticing in a mirror that the other person was Ronan O’Gara, that he had known exactly what I was doing and that he was laughing his ass off.”
JohnO: “I was at a MMA gym in the changing room surrounded by heavily muscled bald dudes with neck tattoos and overly large muscles. Some were wrapping their hands for fighting, some were icing injuries sustained while fighting. All were in various states of undress. Beside me someone had left their bag with their mobile phone it. They got a text message and their “hilarious” text message tone was a very low, almost shy, wolf whistle. Well when it went off every guy in the changing room glared at me assuming I’d whistled at them. I said “It looks like someone got a text message” and gestured to the bag. But not one, not one, laughed or smiled or anything. They just glared at me for an extra second or two and then went back to dressing/undressing.”
MickG: “My most unpleasant gym experience involved a new weight gain supplement which did not agree with me and a deadlift. To cut to the chase, I was deadlifting and shat myself. It was audible but not visible thanks to some tight boxer shorts and navy coloured tracksuit pants. It was 7am so not too busy but 2 lads definitely noticed the sound and my prompt exit.”
ams: “Witnessing pubes being dried with the communal hairdryer in the ladies. No wonder I quit going.”
Haggis: “Doing some floor presses towards the end of a workout, when streams of sweat were running off the face of the guy who was spotting me on the presses. The sweat ran straight off his nose and chin and into my open mouth when I exhaled at the top of the first rep…. My spotter grinned, then laughed, and said, “I’m in you now, you’ve got my DNA in you”….Must have been a good 50 mls at least.. That was several weeks ago and I’m still gagging…”
A 2015 Oscars long-listed metaphor for the encroaching hegemony of giant multiples over local shops, UK animator Robert Grieves’ short is the tale of a turf war between two market vendors and the competitive trader who muscles in on their square.
I put together a video of last year’s Inspire a Generation film competition for Reachout.com. They’re still looking for entries to this year’s and the videos that are made for the competition focus on ways to get through tough times. I believe you shared the winner of the 2012 competition. Which I lost. But I digress. Entries are, for now, just a pitch for a two minute film idea, and shortlisted entries go on and make theirs. There’s quite a nice prize of €2,000 quid too