
Sinéad O’Connor by Thomas Ryan RHA. 1974.
Sinéad O’Connor writes:
Message For My Mother On the 29th Anniversary Of Her Death.
Hey Mother,
I miss you.. though I never had you.. I have had you since you were gone. I can’t have your picture on my walls or shelves.. I can’t look at your beautiful face.. Because it reminds me of what you did. But I miss you. I would have liked to take care of you as an adult.. show you some of the love perhaps that you, because of Ireland in my opinion,were unequipped to show.
I can’t bear what you did to and can’t forgive you on behalf of my siblings. But I can forgive you on my behalf.. Not that I am not decimated by what you did to me personally.. .. on many levels… But my spirit didn’t get got.. (Neither did my siblings’) and that’s lucky. And even as you were sitting on me… I could see your soul through the violence of your countenance and feel desperately sorry for it and would wish upon no one the torment it suffered while upon this earth.
I had mixed feeling when you died… mostly I was blasted apart.. brokenhearted.. Not only by the violence of your death in your car.. and the loss of you.. But the loss of the chance that anything would ever be OK.. fixed.. sorted.. acknowledged. Healed… We would never have the mother we never had…
We would never also get to take you to court.. Which would have been inevitable .. My brother Joseph said it best in I believe, in Magill Magazine.. or similar… that “If my mother had done to an adult what she did to us, she would be behind bars”. Such were the 60s and 70s in Ireland.
But true the overriding loss to me all since you’ve been gone is that I didn’t get to be your daughter as an adult and buy you things with red roses on.. as you loved red roses so much. I see white thimbles in shops. with red roses.. or Cotton hankies such as you loved.. embroidered table cloths.. The Yeast Co in town.. as you loved to bake and were such a master chef.. I have to pretend I don’t see them… But inside my heart throbs despite my ability to make my eyes blind.. I can never buy these things for you… I can never make your life better.Continue reading →